and i don't want the whole world to see me
'cos i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
today was a good day; managed to meet up with my cliques, and spent a most meaningful day. (:
met bee and vin at about two, and we cabbed down to ecp. i rented a bike since i can't blade; and we waited for eve's arrival, before we set off on our trail.
met bee's relatives there, and we decided to go on the trail together. we cycled and bladed from one end to another, before making a pit stop for coconut juice. after which, bee taught me to blade! and that was pretty fun, though pretty freaky at the same time. heh!
thanks to bee's relatives, we crashed their friend's birthday chalet and had dinner there. lol.
eventually the night ended with us heading to cabana cafe, (if i'm not wrong) drinking, singing and chilling out. x)
a simple day out this may seem, but the company and everything else was so awesome that it beats anything else. thanks guys, i enjoyed myself throughly. (:
and it's you who keeps me going.
>23:25
Friday, July 28, 2006
i think this is pretty true. x)
Is your birthday day 28 of the month?
Your Life
You are a capable person but you usually underestimate your own ability. This is the cause of missing numbers of opportunity to step forward. If you try to give yourself a chance, you can be successful in life. Try to see things on the bright side and you will be happier than ever.
Your Love
You are quite unlucky in love. The one in your arm is not the one in your heart. Your love has so many ups and downs. You often chicken out before seeing any progress in love
anyways, the past week was pretty amazing; lots of decisions to be made, and for an indecisive person like me, it was a pretty stressful week. lol.
my life is pretty complicated, i guess i made it the way it is. i never could comprehend the things i do, 'cos they don't go hand in hand with what i say; at least for some things in my life.
but this is life, and when answering gets hard to do, and misunderstandings decide to take its place; we can only just look ahead and hope for a better day. (:
it's gonna be a brand new start for me soon, and moving on is always hard for me to do. yet at this point in time, it's the only thing i can do.
i know the road ahead is gonna be tough, and i gotta sacrifice a whole load of stuffs; but maybe someway, somehow, i'll find it all worthwhile. x)
simply amazing. it's all i gotta say.
>02:42
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
today was a pretty eventful day i would say; this year's d&d was held at dxo, and boy was it fun and ubber happenin! heh.
the theme was black & white summer, and most of us dressed up to its theme. i might post pictures up, depending if i can get my hands on any. heh heh!
well, this year's performance by bj ain't that fantastic, and we weren't so interested to participate in the Q&As. however,lookin on the bright side, ade did win two mp3 players. (and i had to make a stupid mistake. blah.)
nevertheless, the night was ultra fun. lotsa performances and games, and the lucky draw prizes were ultra attractive; like ipod nano(s) to N80. tskkk!!
happened to sit across someone, and it was great to see her once again. headed to dance floor, and kinda 'bumped' into her again. (could this be fate?)
all the dancing, hugging, glancing and kissing; what a night, what a night.
and the night ended beautifully with a wonderful message. i think i'm gonna have sweet dreams later. x)
i just can't wipe the grin off my face. x)
>05:12
Sunday, July 23, 2006
finally got down to 're-vamping' my room, really like the way it looks right now; kinda have the 'jawk' factor. haha! what i am lacking now is a workin air-con, mine broke down months ago. :(
any kind soul out there would like to donate one to me? -puppy eyes. lol.
i have an empty frame on my desk, and i'm very tempted to put up this picture; but i don't think i'm ready to 'come clean'. afterall, the consequences is.. pretty freaky at the moment. hmms.
tomorrow is gonna be an exciting day, fishy's d&d over at dxo. very much anticipating it. till then, (:
should i, shouldn't i?
>22:20
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
it's been some night, and i'm very much worn out.
things have been happening like one after another, and i'm seriously about to give.
sometimes, a small little mistake can actually snowball to a big one. and sometimes, redemption is way too late.
things have been way over-used between us, and i guess you're equally worn out to move on. perhaps your heart is so dead, you don't wanna revive it no more. for every time you tell me "i don't know", it really breaks me inside.
'don't wanna try' the song plays on in my mind. well, i don't know either, the choice is not mine.
it takes two hands to clap, what's the point if one decide not to move at all? i don't know, i guess this is the first time i actually broke down because of you, it's not like i want to; the tears just won't stop flowing.
and i know i have failed. i have failed terribly in words i've said, i was not by your side when you needed me most; i have failed, failed so badly that i don't know what to do now.
and it hurts, it hurts so fucking much. and enough is enough, even this phrase itself is over-used.
i don't know how to go on expressing what i feel deep within, but i guess it really doesn't matter; does it? who gives shit about this anyway? i already feel you giving way.
break away?
>01:36
Sunday, July 16, 2006
my heart's at a low as i thought of the shits i had undergone. unbelievable to many, but so memorable to me.
my life has been one big drama, and even at times i wonder if it's real. then again, there are those evidence that tells me, "hey, this once did happen." and whether i like it or not, i know i'm gonna take them all to my grave.
it's been such a heart wrenching year, as i realise how naive i have been. there are really alot of things that i don't say, and beneath my clown self, can anyone see the scars that i try hard to ditch?
i guess nobody really cares, afterall, this is just jawk. some emotional, sensitive freak, who probably just wanna dramatise her life; someone we can use and dump after we find that there's really nothing much to gain from.
and perhaps the fault it really my own, afterall i always try so hard to be mr nice guy, to the extend of been labelled as a fake. ha. how amazing i lived 21years of pathetic life like this. (:
i guess enough is enough, and it's time i take one big step away from who i used to be, aways from things i once was stuck with.
it's time to face the truth, it is time to stop deceiving myself; and it's only because i'm so worn out, it's only because i don't wanna try no more.
don't go telling me, "this is life, live and let live." and whatnots. 'cos i'm really not interested no more.
deep inside of me, i already have answers to my questions. it's just that i've been pushing them to a corner, i've always thought that perhaps there's more that i don't know. yet each time i always face disappointment when the truth snaps me back to reality.
and that's that. you don't have to figure out that whole load of chunk i just typed, 'cos i just needed to let my frustrations out. and this is my space, if you don't like what you see here, get lost then. (:
and thank you guys who went thru much shits and stayed with me through everything.
this is as best as it gets.
>03:04
Friday, July 07, 2006
one week have passed me by, and nothing constructive has been done. tskk. i know my income is draining since i'm not working, and have been wasting. lol.
will be heading back to the hotel again, negotiation about the pay and position? at least i hope we'll get down to that, else i doubt i wanna re-join 'em. hmms.
well, yesterday was the 6th; and i sent bea* a message.
it's been a long and drag-ish affair; and like i had mentioned before, i really don't know how long this is going to be, and all the what-so-ever stuffs. nonetheless, thanks for all you have given me. x)
now i'm broken, and i'm faded.
>14:43
Monday, July 03, 2006
i'm currently on PH, which means that my attachment has come to an end. will probably be heading back to do a clearance and to pick up my purchase. x)
my adult life really begins now, and i've to make the right decisions or end up in regrets. i'm finally able to comprehend the dilemma that cow was once in. decisions, decisions, how can an indecisive person make a choice? tsk.
i feel so screwed up, all confused and messed up; and i utterly dislike this feeling. my mind is like all tangled up in webs, and the more i try to untangle 'em, the worst the situation becomes. i'm getting lethargic, even piecing a proper sentence is so hard to do; and communication is.. well, full of screw ups. sheesh.
i don't know, maybe i'm just pushing myself too hard; maybe it's not even hard enough. i guess i will just take things a step at a time; like you* once mentioned, and how i simply adore this phrase; time will tell. x)