contradict`

2008-07-08T11:09:00.002+08:00

i could spend my entire lifetime on loving you. (:

2008-06-27T21:47:00.003+08:00

lead me not into temptation; for my heart's been broken one time too many.

2007-09-06T10:52:00.001+08:00

how does it feel to know that
it's all a mirage.

how does it feel to make believe?

how does it feel to know that
you blinded yourself.

how.
how does it feel?

i'm in denial,
and everyone knows it.
i'm suffering from a broken heart,
it's almost a daily affair.

and maybe,
just maybe..
happiness is not for me.

we're trying too hard to be something we're not.
we're trying too hard to create this euphoria/utopia.
okay.
maybe not we,
just me.

when will you ever learn your lesson?
why do you always wait till you're burn.
what are you afraid of seriously?
what.

*sigh.

something's gone wrong with me.
it's plain to see,
i'm too blinded.
i need to sort myself out.

forsaken for the wonders of the world.

2007-08-16T23:13:00.000+08:00

i don't believe;
won't believe.
not anymore.

2007-08-06T01:03:00.000+08:00

life has been going downhill since..
i don't know?
the day i got transferred i guess.

you know how amazing it is,
when there's this special someone by your side,
and you feel that even when your whole life is upside down,
or even when the world seems so dark and freaky;
you know you can count on that person,
you know eventually that with that someone,
everything will be okay.
you believe.

and that's when you start forgetting the little things,
mistakes you promised not to make,
and goals you promised you wanna achieve.

you're so caught up in all these changes,
all these things that don't seem to go your way,
everything.
you're so caught up in the bad things,
you neglect the rest.

you change.
your temper,
your lifestyle,
your attitude.
changed.

and it's good when that someone sticks by you,
understanding you,
helping and guiding you.
it's great if that someone understands why you do or say the things you did.
it's most wonderful if they will just hang on and believe
two can work it all out.

it's good isn't it?
but life is not like that.

human beings.
friends.
lovers.
family.
everything else.

i'm worn out.
literally.

i hate pretending.
i hate been misunderstood.
i hate everything about myself so much.
i just wish i wasn't alive.

i wish someone would understand me.
understand why i am like this.

i try so hard.
sometimes i think i try too hard to please.

and have i mentioned that i am tired?
i think i did.

seriously.
i'm so messed up now,
but i'm supposed to be like HAPPY,
like STRONG,
like i am not supposed to be pessimistic,
i'm not supposed to be like that.

and can i help it if i am like this?

life is one hell of a big joke.

so much angst.
so much frustration.
so much of everything.

and all i want are simple little things,
things i will never get.
(:

no matter how hard i try.
it's never good enough.
nothing i do is ever good enough,
ever right.
and..

people blame me ultimately.
amazing.

i try to be there for my friends,
but i get blamed for saying "the wrong things".
i try my best at work,
what do i get?
one word - useless. (:
do i need to go on?
i doubt so.

there's only so much a person can take.
and i'm totally reaching the peak.

STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTION
AND TELLING ME STUPID THEORIES LIKE
"ARE YOU OKAY?
IT'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT,
THINGS WILL WORK OUT.
IT'S NOT WORTH IT.. bla bla bla.."

i know all those already.
and i try hard to believe.
i will be okay.
things will work out.
it's worth everything,
i just gotta try harder,
i just gotta have faith.
it's all about believing.

misunderstood?
nevermind.
as long as there's communication,
everything can work out.
yada yada yada..

how about i am a human being too?
hello people,
have you guys forgotten that?
i've feelings too?
i FUCKING HELL FEEL HURT TOO?
i've emotions?!

and i'm hurting so badly inside,
and each time i hide,
each time i pretend.
it just gets worse.
and how about YOU PEOPLE
telling me you're THERE,
you'll never live,
always gonna be by my side?

and what happens eventually?
IT'S ALL THE SAME SHIT!

CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT
'COS I DON'T GIVE ANY SHIT.
I'M FUCKING TIRED.

i seriously need help.
HA.

that sounds funny.
know what.
shut up jawk.
just shut up.

nobody gives shit.
and don't give me the sympathy shit
or anything.
i don't need anything..

not anymore.

2007-05-28T17:46:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder..
what kinda company am i working for?

all the transferring,
all the pressure,
all the unreasonable crap,
and this indignant shit i'm feeling.

i'm tired.
really am.

all this 4years i stay in the company,
all these times i feel i should do something for it;
all this time..
i'm just a fucking tool.

someone for them to put where they needed
or lack of people.
where they feel i shouldn't be in my comfort,
whenever i achieve something,
i'm stripped of everything.
all the fucking bullshit.

*sigh.
one day..
just one day..
i will just explode.
(:

the facade, the facade.

2007-05-20T03:33:00.001+08:00

i'm very annoyed to know that
you've to do the things that others abandoned.
i feel indignant to know that
they don't even appreciate what you did.

whilst everyone is out having fun,
you're gonna be facing shits.
i don't like this,
not a bit.

and YOU.
the one who claims to feel so much,
the one who claims to be so good,
the one who claims to be everything..
well..
fuck you!

in my eyes,
you don't fit to have what you have.
neither do you deserve what you're fighting for.
and perhaps..
i'm to blame for keepin faith.
fuck you.

i'm ultra annoyed now.
but on another note,
i miss the gf.
(:

be with you.

2007-05-09T04:45:00.000+08:00

highly annoyed.

seems like i've been casted aside,
and the most irritating part is when
there are people who still cares,
who still wants to help you out;
but ultimately,
some arsehole dislike that idea.

i try my best to keep everyone out of
shats like this,
but somehow i feel unappreciated.
some people or rather someone,
makes it seems like i'm indebted to her forever
since she came to help me,
or at least that's the vibes she's projecting towards me.

i'm highly irritated.

have the fucking world forgotten that i'm a fucking human being too?
and i fucking have emotions and feelings?
ah. fuck it. (:

and this is time where letting go means let it all slide away.

2007-04-24T05:41:00.000+08:00

and it touched my heart to finally know,
i somehow made a difference. (:

never expected myself to find it hard to tear away from this place,
afterall i hated the place i was posted to.
look what happened half a year later?
i'm so attached to everything there,
even things i dislike.

the sweet staffs did a petition for me,
silly ones,
don't they know it won't make much of a difference?
but they truly made me feel important,
made me feel my existence.

sadly,
all good things must come to an end somehow,
someday.
but we all have the memories to hold on to. (:

gave everyone a tag with their nicknames on,
or rather what i address them by.
just something for them to remember me by,
and hope when the going gets tough,
they will still get going;
knowing i may not be by their side,
but i'm there for them in spirit.
(and no, i'm not dead yet.. :P)

remisnicing from the beginning,
how i learnt so much;
and grew with each experience.
there's just so much in my heart,
that i would like to express.
but perhaps tonight's not the night..

staff meeting on friday,
my supposedly last day.
i hope everything will be settled alright and proper,
and that they will never lose hope;
'cos i believe so much in them.
(:

and so the countdown begins..
four days to go..

2007-04-11T13:17:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder,
am i really such an idiot?
why do i always make mistakes,
and then live in regrets.
i'm fuckin pissed with myself by the way.

a month back,
everything in my life started going haywire.
work suck.
and..
everything else.

everyone was so engrossed in doing their own thing,
everything else was neglected.
and finally,
everyone is trying hard now,
trying to give everything their best shot.
i'm left out..

and once again it's decision time.

heavy heavy heart,
when are you ever gonna leave me alone.
*sighs.

why am i always forced to let go.
let go of this,
let go of that.
sometimes i just wanna give it all up,
like there's no use in struggling so hard;
you just gonna lose everything in the end,
why not just like everything slip away,
and eventually i can slip away too.
(:

and i'm such a fucking stupid fool.

2007-04-09T02:51:00.000+08:00

How can someone who claims will take you away from all your shadows,
Who claims to stay by your side through it all,
Who claims never to ever let anything come between us,
Who claims will work together hand in hand to overcome all problems,
Who claims to never let go..

Loses all feelings, faith and hope,
Just like that.. *snaps*

Every word said,
Every promises made,
Every pact,
Every dream,
Every hope..
All shattered into pieces overnight.

Is that a reason or an excuse?
Is this your cue you wanna go?
Is it me who broke it all?
Am i the only one still holding on?

What about the times you stood by me?
What about the times you made me believe?
What about the times you showed me the world means nothing,
'Cos you're my everything?
What about all our pacts and promises?
What about everything that once existed?

Can they all be pushed away just like that?
Can you just forget as if it never did occur?
Can you just pretend and let it all go?

Or have you already given up hope?
Are you in fact just waiting for the time bomb to explode?

The suspend is killing me,
And I'm about to let everything slip.

How could it all change overnight?
How could someone who once stayed by my side,
Someone who once held on so tight,
Someone who once grabbed on tight,
Just let everything slide?

Have you already given up hope?
Have you already allow your feelings to stop?
Have everything come to a standstill,
And nothing will ever change?

Is it true we'll never be the same again?
Is it true your feelings will never grow any stronger ever again?
Is it true you rather just sit by and watch everything go by?
Is it all true?

Or have you already decided?

2007-04-06T01:02:00.000+08:00

i come with so much baggage,
so much shadows behind me.
i'm difficult to manage,
and i make things worse by hiding in my darkness.

and then you* came along,
you told me you'll show me everything.
i told you,
you're just gonna leave;
like it happened before.
you told me you were different,
and time will tell all.

in my darkest hours,
you stood by me.
when i became cranky,
you never failed me.

and then i grew afraid when i knew we wouldn't get to meet,
not as much as we used to.
and then i grew afraid the distance would drive me crazy,
and i grew afraid you would leave.

but still you held on,
you said no.

and then stress got in.
and i was under pressure.
and we stopped communicating.
we stopped fillin into each other's life.

and then i missed you badly,
and misunderstandings occured.
whenever i couldn't get you on the line,
but you always replied my messages..
i start to wonder why.

and then paranoid came back to attack me,
and jealousy came along.
i was thinking you could meet your friends,
but not me?

and then i didn't initiate meeting,
'cos i don't know your shift no more.
and i started to miss seeing you everytime i knock off.

and then i miss messaging you all the time,
been able to call you and all.
and i began missing you badly.

and then it happened,
you said you wanted time away.
and i grew afraid that someone was there to take my place.
and then you said no.
you said you're not leaving,
you told me you still love me,
told me you're still holdin on.

and then you said whatever we are next,
is my decision.
and then i felt the pain.
as though you don't care no more.
and then i thought to myself.
"jawk, she has given up."

and then i thought,
what about the pacts?
the promises?
what about the way she made me believe?
what about us?

and then i grew withdrawal.
and i guess this is me now.

you once said,
everyone gives up on you easily;
you once said,
you told me not to leave,
not to give up.
and you once told me,
we'll make it through everything.
you made me believe,
and believe i did.
i held on..

and now i feel so alone.
like you don't wanna fight no more.

and then i thought of you,
i thought of us,
of our happy memories,
our times spent..
i thought of everything..

and then i think back,
to my shadows,
my baggage.

and then i think...
why does it seems that letting go of me is so easy?
why does it seems that my fears from the start
you tried to pacify,
and did such a good job;
to make me believe in you, in us,
in love...
is now what is hurting me..

why does it seems this pain i try to avoid from the start,
is hurting me?

everything between us is spinning in my mind,
your words,
your promises.
your sorry...
and your time will prove.
and what has time proven now?

is it really so easy for everyone to just let go,
to just leave me?
or do i make it easy?

and perhaps i'm really just worthless and non-existent.

2007-04-03T03:30:00.000+08:00

why does it seems that everything i say,
or do is wrong??
why does it seems that the pressure on me,
is so much more??

where did i go wrong?

i'm only human,
i make mistakes too.

so how wrong am i?

slip away.

2007-03-25T05:46:00.001+08:00

already the heart feels heavy,
already it's missing and longing.
i really hate to be doing this,
is there no other way out?
i'm clueless.

what started out as a place i dread,
i grew accustomated and i love it.
yet situations and circumstances,
does not allow me to stay put.

i came in feeling out of place,
it's like i don't belong;
and many times my heart feels heavy,
and i teared in my own solitude.

a month later,
i was accepted;
and though mistakes were made,
i was forgiven and guided back.

movement of management,
there were unhappiness;
nonetheless,
we held on tight.

eventually it was too much to bear,
and one left;
leaving two behind.

but one was away,
and alone i was;
fighting hard for survivor,
guiding new one along.

he probably had ideas of his own,
and things began to fall apart from then.

life was miserable,
but i hung on.
it was them who made me felt at home.

and now it's time i bade farewell,
'cos i know in time to come
he's gonna rid me of all.

i'm so unhappy.
=(

i really really love this place i am in,
why is it that i have to leave?

it's always easy to just point out the flaws in others,
the mistakes they make,
the things they tend to forget.
it's always easy to just give instructions,
give out orders,
and push the blame.
but it's never easy to remember,
to appreciate,
or to thank.
and it's the hardest for one,
to forgive and forget;
and get the lost sheep back to land.

2007-01-20T03:05:00.000+08:00

sometimes it gets so weary,
sometimes i begin to doubt myself;
does the problem lie with me?
well, i don't know.

human beings can be so judgemental,
and they're so transfixed on their views
that everything else is been fogged up.

it really tires me out,
the facade your superior put on,
the all-talk-but-no-show pattern
day in day out.
it really puts me off,
it makes me sick.
*grrs.

the angst,
the burden,
everything else.

so sick,
so sick.

and it's getting to me.

2007-01-12T03:15:00.000+08:00

can i really trust you with my heart?
i'm uncertain now.
your past seems a whole great deal to you,
and the future is so uncertain.
well,
i don't know.

there are things you say
that kept me at bay,
it keeps me thinking..
alot in fact.

once bitten, twice shy;
i have no idea how many times i mentioned these,
i'm so afraid of everything.

there are things i know tha i don't say,
and don't wish to say.
i don't know..
i really don't know.

uncertainty, it breaks me.

2006-12-27T04:30:00.000+08:00

stabbed over and over again,
you don't see what i do,
you don't know what i do;
you don't understand what i do.
and perhaps i'm clueless too,
and perhaps inside a part of me has died.

it's tiring running around in circles,
doing the things you do;
only to realise..
ultimately,
you're nothing but a fucking fool.

perhaps i'm outta tracks,
losing my sense of directions;
and perhaps i shouldn't bother.

it hurts so much,
and nobody give shits.

i wish i could just dissolve away.

i'm not here to please you; it ain't my jobscope.

2006-12-22T03:32:00.000+08:00

hopelessly hopeless;
addictively addicted.

unknown to many; known to all.

2006-11-28T02:07:00.000+08:00

despondent.
entangled.
drained.

revival needed.

save me from this heartbreaking.

2006-11-23T03:59:00.000+08:00

it's ironical,
so damn ironical;
how you allow yourself to fall back,
open up your wounds,
and as a result hurt yourself.

fear is a freaky thing.
(:

it's messing up my mind and tearing me apart.

2006-11-04T17:57:00.000+08:00

maybe it's a trust issue;
maybe it's 'cos once bitten,
twice shy.
a hundred possiblity,
i'm breaking apart like always.

just let it go.

2006-10-28T22:11:00.000+08:00

i know i'm just a stupid fool,
who keeps stabbing onto the old wounds.

2006-10-19T02:34:00.000+08:00

it's really ironical,
how i always end up in the same situation;
i've always said i want out,
and then i get back to the starting point.

over and over,
again and again.
i'm running out of energy,
can i just say i don't care no more,
and seriously mean it?

*sighs.

baby i swear it's deja vu.

2006-10-11T05:38:00.000+08:00

had a chat with a certain ms epal,
and as much as i hate to admit this;
i think i would now..
I FUCKIN MISS SHATEC,
or rather my life in it.

it's really ironical,
how you detest a place when you're there,
and you try ways and means to not even appear.

when i was still schooling,
i used to skip school alot.
it was either that,
or i would just sleep through lectures.

suprisingly,
i always did well for my exams.
and i guess this is the part where
people you hang with plays the biggest roles.

the studious/kiasu peeps i hung with,
were top students in my class/course.
they were either nagging at me,
or whacking the hell out of me when i fell asleep.

these are the people who taught me alot,
more than SHATEC ever did.

and how could i forget attachment days
at the various school outlets?
played the fool with the rest of the classmates,
became part of the 'rosette bros',
bonded with everyone else,
and made friends with peeps from different courses.

what fond memories SHATEC provided me.
and yes,
it was all good.
every part of it,
bitter, sweet, sour, everything else.

seriously,
and dammit..
i miss the place so much.

it's times like these i wish i could turn back time.

2006-10-10T05:26:00.000+08:00

it's crystal clear,
it's a blur.
it's ironical,
i'm entangled.

i laugh at my foolishness.

2006-09-29T04:10:00.000+08:00

irrational,
the way i've come to be.
i know i'm destroying every part of me
that i built up so painstakingly.

and with every fall i had,
and each time i picked myself up;
i'm still exposing myself to danger.

i know this is insanity,
i should know better than to let it drift.
i should,
i could,
i would?

i'm at my wits end.

2006-09-26T01:20:00.000+08:00

'cos there's something in the way
you look at me,
it's as if my heart knows
you're the missing piece.
you make me believe that there's nothing
in this world I can't be.
i'd never know what you see,
but there's something in the way you look at me.

it's annoying when you keep falling
for people you know you'll never be with.
(:

and i don't know what to do.

2006-09-22T00:28:00.000+08:00

your smile makes me weak,
i feel my defences falling.
this is a big taboo,
just what the hell am i doing?

you charm the wits outta me,
i'm rendered weak;
it all makes me look and feel silly,
but i just can't help it.

your smile blows me away,
the ground is outta reach;
everything's seems surreal,
i simply just can't believe it.

and it all seems so wonderful,
whenever you're near me;
could it be an illusion?
i really don't wanna make-believe.

everything is a mist,
and that i know it.
but i can't help it,
if i feel the way i did.

save me from these heartbreakings.

2006-09-10T02:40:00.000+08:00

doesn't matter what you think,
doesn't matter what you say;
i just love the way,
i look at your face.
when you smile at me,
it's simply so amazing.
doesn't matter if you ain't here,
right here with me.

it seems foolish,
how i keep falling;
unbelievable,
but it really doesn't matter.
somehow,
in some ways,
i got caught up with you.
it's crazy but it's so true.

i know at times,
i act aloof.
i know at times,
i act the fool.
but somehow,
some ways,
i get so caught up in you.
it's crazy but it's so true.

today was a superb day.
x)

the unbelievable you.

2006-08-31T23:52:00.000+08:00

it seems to me that everything is
heading straight down like a waterfall.
confusion, compulsion..
i don't know.

how many of you had actually given up
your passion for another?
how many of you had actually let go
'cos you were forced to do so?
how many were denied chances of trying
just 'cos your parents said so?

i guess i can see many hands raising,
many heads nodding;
and perhaps a glimmer of tear in their eyes.

it's a sad world ain't it?
you don't get to do what you want,
you're forced to adapt to things
just 'cos life's like that.

sheesh.
so what's life really like?
why are there people who tell you
not to live in regret,
when in reality,
they are living in regrets?

i don't know anymore.
this is one fucked up road,
and should i stay or go?
i really don't know no more.

complicated heart.

2006-08-17T03:08:00.000+08:00

i seem to be down on my luck recently?
like friendship stuffs are all haywire?
hurms.

just found out i was somehow
'made-used'?
and i fuckin hate that,
like seriously?
(:

don't push the limits,
i can really sprint if i want to,
jump if i need to,
attack if i have to.
you get my drift don't you?

good.

on the brighter note,
i still have very amazing friends.
esp mr takk.
x)

unknown glow.

2006-08-15T00:51:00.000+08:00

i'm utterly disappointed,
and very badly hurt;
like once again.

you know,
this is some vicious cycle;
i'm so loving it.
and if you don't already know,
i was been sacastic.
(:

so when is enough like really
fucking enough?
i seriously don't know anymore.

i'm only human,
i've feelings too you know?
i guess you guys have clean forgotten
that i do.
(:

it's okay,
i understand.
that's just the way the cookie crumbles.
i'm sup to be this person,
with super senses.
if you're unhappy,
i will know.
if you need me,
i have to be there somehow.

no,
i don't have life of my own.
you see,
jawk is sup to be free,
and all her time is for you.
there's no excuse.
none whatsoever.

so when jawk is not around,
she don't care anymore.
she don't wanna put in any effort.
that must be it!

you know what?
ya.
that is IT!

jawk is tired already,
and jawk don't care anymore.
so whatever world.
friends are just letters,
for free access to everything else.

friends.
bull.
x)

seriously, whatever.

2006-08-08T04:02:00.000+08:00

you know,
it's always amazing how people
tend to take things for granted?
they don't care or give two hoots
when they have something;
but when it's gone,
they make a hell lot of noise,
regret it all;
and then go all out to ruin everything else.

and then,
there are people who actually do anything at all,
just so they can achieve what they want.
be it popularity,
friendship, relationship, or whatnots;
they will do anything just to get them.
stab you in the back,
stab you up front,
stab you till you bleed to death;
anything at all.
=)

frienship is such an amazing thing,
isn't it?
you meet some great people along the way,
some people you keep,
some people you know you can't keep;
and there are just some whom you have to ditch.

don't get me wrong,
i'm still happy and glad with my life;
enjoying every living day,
and i've never felt so much drive.
it's all good now.

it's just that i'm only human,
of 'cos there are things that still bugs me,
and occasionally things that get me mad
or sad;
or even bug me.

it's all part and parcel of life,
but it's really incredible when you
have a better knowledge of reality.
though it bites,
and it hurts sometimes;
but then again,
there are times when things happen
so abruptly to bring joy.

i'm just crapping as usual,
but somewhere along the line,
i've a point to make.
go figure.
=)

it's all so wonderful.

2006-08-05T02:25:00.000+08:00

i've been hearing this song,
'Because Of You' by Kelly Clarkson;
like one time too many.
then again,
i think the lyrics are pretty true,
and i love the song alot.
(is it some kinda sign? hmms.)

i've been busy with trainning recently,
and reading manual really puts me to sleep.
however,
meeting new people is pretty interesting,
and at the same time lots of fun.
x)

i guess life is pretty amazing,
with the ups and downs in it.
everything happens for a reason,
and everyone deals with situations differently.

hmms,
i think i've changed quite abit;
and i'm sure dardar agrees on that.
it's amazing how things can seem
so beautiful and wonderful,
when your perception changes.

changes have taken place,
and this is just the beginning.
overall,
i'm doing pretty good;
and loving every minute of everything.
(:

we could be more than just amazing.

2006-08-03T01:00:00.000+08:00

the world is ever changing,
and it's always tough to live and let live.
but there are times,
when one have to;
and that's when one really grows.
i guess,
somehow i did?
(:

it's been a long time coming,
like seriously.
and for certain issues,
it's time for a closure.

yes,
i'm very much into bea*,
but no,
i don't want us back.
it was a good experience,
and everything else happened
would always be held deeply and treasured.
but the past is the past,
and what's broken is already broken.
there's no point in mending it,
only to be reminded of the cracks
each and everytime i look at it.
i rather leave it as it is.
(:

i'm pretty much in a comfort zone now,
whereby i'm happy with everything.
i like to look back on the memories,
laugh at my foolish-ness and whatnots,
and just leave it like this.

misunderstandings are the downfall of mankind,
that's like my latest quote.
and i like that phrase itself very much,
since i'm very bad at expressing myself
and often am misunderstood.
but that's that,
explanations are at times only excuses,
it's up to each individual to go figure.
the bigger picture and truth are easily distorted,
but who really gives?

excuse me if i got off topic,
but then again,
this is my space.
(:

so amazing; definately incredible.

2006-07-29T23:25:00.000+08:00

today was a good day;
managed to meet up with my cliques,
and spent a most meaningful day.
(:

met bee and vin at about two,
and we cabbed down to ecp.
i rented a bike since i can't blade;
and we waited for eve's arrival,
before we set off on our trail.

met bee's relatives there,
and we decided to go on the trail together.
we cycled and bladed from one end to another,
before making a pit stop for coconut juice.
after which,
bee taught me to blade!
and that was pretty fun,
though pretty freaky at the same time.
heh!

thanks to bee's relatives,
we crashed their friend's birthday chalet
and had dinner there.
lol.

eventually the night ended with
us heading to cabana cafe,
(if i'm not wrong)
drinking, singing and chilling out.
x)

a simple day out this may seem,
but the company and everything else was
so awesome that it beats anything else.
thanks guys,
i enjoyed myself throughly.
(:

and it's you who keeps me going.

2006-07-28T02:42:00.000+08:00

i think this is pretty true. x)

Is your birthday day 28 of the month?

Your Life

You are a capable person but you usually underestimate your own ability. This is the cause of missing numbers of opportunity to step forward. If you try to give yourself a chance, you can be successful in life. Try to see things on the bright side and you will be happier than ever.

Your Love

You are quite unlucky in love. The one in your arm is not the one in your heart. Your love has so many ups and downs. You often chicken out before seeing any progress in love

anyways,
the past week was pretty amazing;
lots of decisions to be made,
and for an indecisive person like me,
it was a pretty stressful week.
lol.

my life is pretty complicated,
i guess i made it the way it is.
i never could comprehend the things i do,
'cos they don't go hand in hand with what i say;
at least for some things in my life.

but this is life,
and when answering gets hard to do,
and misunderstandings decide to take its place;
we can only just look ahead and hope for a better day.
(:

it's gonna be a brand new start for me soon,
and moving on is always hard for me to do.
yet at this point in time,
it's the only thing i can do.

i know the road ahead is gonna be tough,
and i gotta sacrifice a whole load of stuffs;
but maybe someway, somehow,
i'll find it all worthwhile.
x)

simply amazing. it's all i gotta say.

2006-07-25T05:12:00.000+08:00

today was a pretty eventful day
i would say;
this year's d&d was held at dxo,
and boy was it fun and ubber happenin!
heh.

the theme was black & white summer,
and most of us dressed up to its theme.
i might post pictures up,
depending if i can get my hands on any.
heh heh!

well, this year's performance by bj
ain't that fantastic,
and we weren't so interested to participate
in the Q&As.
however,lookin on the bright side,
ade did win two mp3 players.
(and i had to make a stupid mistake. blah.)

nevertheless,
the night was ultra fun.
lotsa performances and games,
and the lucky draw prizes were ultra attractive;
like ipod nano(s) to N80.
tskkk!!

happened to sit across someone,
and it was great to see her once again.
headed to dance floor,
and kinda 'bumped' into her again.
(could this be fate?)

all the dancing, hugging, glancing
and kissing;
what a night,
what a night.

and the night ended beautifully with
a wonderful message.
i think i'm gonna have sweet dreams later.
x)

i just can't wipe the grin off my face. x)

2006-07-23T22:20:00.000+08:00

finally got down to 're-vamping' my room,
really like the way it looks right now;
kinda have the 'jawk' factor.
haha!
what i am lacking now is a workin air-con,
mine broke down months ago.
:(

any kind soul out there would like to donate
one to me?
-puppy eyes.
lol.

i have an empty frame on my desk,
and i'm very tempted to put up this picture;
but i don't think i'm ready to 'come clean'.
afterall,
the consequences is..
pretty freaky at the moment.
hmms.

tomorrow is gonna be an exciting day,
fishy's d&d over at dxo.
very much anticipating it.
till then,
(:

should i, shouldn't i?

2006-07-18T01:36:00.000+08:00

it's been some night,
and i'm very much worn out.

things have been happening
like one after another,
and i'm seriously about to give.

sometimes,
a small little mistake
can actually snowball to a big one.
and sometimes,
redemption is way too late.

things have been way over-used between us,
and i guess you're equally worn out to move on.
perhaps your heart is so dead,
you don't wanna revive it no more.
for every time you tell me "i don't know",
it really breaks me inside.

'don't wanna try'
the song plays on in my mind.
well, i don't know either,
the choice is not mine.

it takes two hands to clap,
what's the point if one decide
not to move at all?
i don't know,
i guess this is the first time
i actually broke down because of you,
it's not like i want to;
the tears just won't stop flowing.

and i know i have failed.
i have failed terribly in words i've said,
i was not by your side when you needed me most;
i have failed,
failed so badly that i don't know what to do now.

and it hurts,
it hurts so fucking much.
and enough is enough,
even this phrase itself is over-used.

i don't know how to go on
expressing what i feel deep within,
but i guess it really doesn't matter;
does it?
who gives shit about this anyway?
i already feel you giving way.

break away?

2006-07-16T03:04:00.000+08:00

my heart's at a low
as i thought of the shits i had undergone.
unbelievable to many,
but so memorable to me.

my life has been one big drama,
and even at times i wonder if it's real.
then again,
there are those evidence that tells me,
"hey, this once did happen."
and whether i like it or not,
i know i'm gonna take them all to my grave.

it's been such a heart wrenching year,
as i realise how naive i have been.
there are really alot of things that i don't say,
and beneath my clown self,
can anyone see the scars that i try hard to ditch?

i guess nobody really cares,
afterall, this is just jawk.
some emotional, sensitive freak,
who probably just wanna dramatise her life;
someone we can use and dump after we find that
there's really nothing much to gain from.

and perhaps the fault it really my own,
afterall i always try so hard to be mr nice guy,
to the extend of been labelled as a fake.
ha.
how amazing i lived 21years of pathetic life
like this.
(:

i guess enough is enough,
and it's time i take one big step
away from who i used to be,
aways from things i once was stuck with.

it's time to face the truth,
it is time to stop deceiving myself;
and it's only because i'm so worn out,
it's only because i don't wanna try no more.

don't go telling me,
"this is life, live and let live."
and whatnots.
'cos i'm really not interested no more.

deep inside of me,
i already have answers to my questions.
it's just that i've been pushing them to a corner,
i've always thought that
perhaps there's more that i don't know.
yet each time i always face disappointment
when the truth snaps me back to reality.

and that's that.
you don't have to figure out that
whole load of chunk i just typed,
'cos i just needed to let my frustrations out.
and this is my space,
if you don't like what you see here,
get lost then.
(:

and thank you guys who went thru much shits
and stayed with me through everything.

this is as best as it gets.

2006-07-07T14:43:00.000+08:00

one week have passed me by,
and nothing constructive has been done.
tskk.
i know my income is draining
since i'm not working,
and have been wasting.
lol.

will be heading back to the hotel again,
negotiation about the pay and position?
at least i hope we'll get down to that,
else i doubt i wanna re-join 'em.
hmms.

well,
yesterday was the 6th;
and i sent bea* a message.

it's been a long and drag-ish affair;
and like i had mentioned before,
i really don't know how long this is going to be,
and all the what-so-ever stuffs.
nonetheless,
thanks for all you have given me.
x)

now i'm broken, and i'm faded.

2006-07-03T06:43:00.000+08:00

i'm currently on PH,
which means that my attachment
has come to an end.
will probably be heading back
to do a clearance and to
pick up my purchase.
x)

my adult life really begins now,
and i've to make the right decisions
or end up in regrets.
i'm finally able to comprehend
the dilemma that cow was once in.
decisions, decisions,
how can an indecisive person make a choice?
tsk.

i feel so screwed up,
all confused and messed up;
and i utterly dislike this feeling.
my mind is like all tangled up in webs,
and the more i try to untangle 'em,
the worst the situation becomes.
i'm getting lethargic,
even piecing a proper sentence
is so hard to do;
and communication is..
well,
full of screw ups.
sheesh.

i don't know,
maybe i'm just pushing myself too hard;
maybe it's not even hard enough.
i guess i will just take things
a step at a time;
like you* once mentioned,
and how i simply adore this phrase;
time will tell.
x)

it's all getting cloudy.

2006-06-29T02:10:00.000+08:00

it's been a long journey,
and i'm near graduation.
with two days left in the 'torture chamber',
and lots of memories.
i can't help but recall of all the on-goings
in my life.

from nafa to shatec,
making new friends,
losing the love of my life;
experiencing working life.
well,
much had happened.

i still remember going for the interview
with tenshi at shatec for the first time,
only to find out we are going for different courses;
but still glad to be in the same campus.
messaging whenever we are in classes,
having smoke breaks in the 'yellow box';
me, feeling that we are drifting apart,
and regretting that we both left our collages
for this one.

regretting my decisions when problems arised
between bea* and i,
struggling to juggle school, work and relationship;
and finally losing bea*.

been in a clique of top students in my class,
having to learn that backstabbing seriously hurts,
and compeitions between classmates is not surreal.
bonding with the guys and been a part of the
'rosette bros'.

panicking when work attachment drew near,
arriving at my current hotel,
only to be treated like dung;
made a wonderful friend,
and finally,
am going to regain my freedom in two days.

so much had happened,
and my heart is a little heavy now.
losing bea* was a big blow to me,
and things haven't been the same for me;
but i'm glad we have those memories to look back upon.

meeting raine was seriously god's gift to me,
having her guide me through,
our endless bickers and laughters;
i'm really thankful that our paths crossed.

graduation is near,
and i can't wait to get back to school.
i miss that old building,
i miss loitering around corridors,
i miss talking to people from different courses,
and suprisingly,
i miss studying;
everything was so carefree,
and well,
making friends was easier.
-sighs.

everything's ending now,
mixed emotions.
i will miss everything.

and it's so hard to put to words.

2006-06-15T06:05:00.000+08:00

i'm pretty messed up right now,
and i'm trying to set things right.
there's been entries in this blog,
which have been removed;
for good.

i might get back to blogging soon,
once everything's alright.

for now, it's goodbye.

my heart is broken; can i get a refund?

2006-04-01T02:56:00.000+08:00

at a point in time,
we have at one way or another,
taken things for granted.
to weep and live in regrets thereafter,
and to be trapped in those memories;
that's the aftermath of me been indecisive.

i couldn't bring myself to face the truth,
don't wanna be trapped in a dilemma.
hence i deluded and evaded,
only to trip and fall endlessly.

sometimes i really can't fathom my thoughts,
and honestly,
i'm taxed out.
a million and one thoughts are running the mill,
and i'm spun outta control.
what's the word to use here now?
Confused?
Probably very much so.
I feel so loaded and burdened,
the feeling is so overwhelming.
-sighs.

i don't wanna lie to myself anymore,
i know it's still hurting inside;
at the same time,
i'm smiling with tears in my eyes.
sincerely glad that you're so blissfully in love,
but on the other hand,
there's a stinging pain in my heart.

how annoying matters of the heart can be.
they say time heals all wounds,
it's been such a long time,
why does it still feels so fresh.
geez.

kiddo oh kiddo,
you never fail to screw up your damn life.
-sighs.

unbelievable indeed.

2006-02-27T01:15:00.000+08:00

the tension is too much to bear,
but it's gonna be yet another day.
(:

i had this weird feeling on my way home,
couldn't put to words just how that feels.
it's something like depression,
but it's not yet there;
it's feels something like i'm hurt,
but i doubt so too.
the feeling is weird,
'cos it makes me wanna tear;
but what i suprises me more,
was that she* was able to sense it.

she is off for holiday tomorrow,
which means it will be four boring days;
without our bicker and nonsense. lol.
(could that be what is buggin me?)

anyways,
caught Final Destination 3 with the bjians yesterday.
the movie was not bad,
but what makes it great was the company.
(:

morning shift for two days,
it just won't be the same.
blahs.

do you have to let it linger?

2006-02-23T02:12:00.000+08:00

planned a suprise today,
and it kinda turned out great.
(:

was having my break,
when i caught a glimpse of her* on her way back.
we sat at the stairs with seng and chat a lil.
seng was posing alot of question at me,
and she smiled cheekily
knowing i had the answers to all.
lol.
we were happily chatting away,
and it took away the whole of my break.
tskk.

she parted with us,
but instead of going her usual way,
she went the opposite.
i went back to work.
shortly after,
ben passed me a bag from marks and spencer,
saying that it's from her.
what a suprise!
that silly girl actually remembered
that i like butter cookies.
-grins.

i'm a lil annoyed now by some random message.
-sighs.
why does things always have to be this way.
blahs.

i like the way you ruffle my hair. (:

2006-02-20T01:23:00.000+08:00

morning shift doesn't start this week.
my schedule was actually changed;
and i discovered that only today.
darn irritating!
i had the week planned and all,
and suddenly without notice my shift is changed.
grrr.

so i was in a bad mood this morning,
and couldn't care less for my service.
haha.
doesn't help that some of the guest were rude too,
and to make things worse,
i seem to have lost touch with my breakfast shift.
tskk.

met up with her* after work today,
her condition was that she treats me to ice cream,
or we are not to meet at all.
without much choice,
i casually agreed.
we met up at liang court,
and she insisted on the treat.
the server at gelato was kinda cute,
and she kinda teased me over it.
haha.
i had rum and raisins,
and she had chocolate.
it was good!
-grins.
we took a stroll along clarke quay,
and i realise that it has changed quite a bit;
it's like a food paradise now.
lol.
we went back to liang court,
for her to purchase her guanaja cake;
sadly the cute server was off duty.
haha!
we took a bus ride to her place,
before i head for home.
(:

i'm still kinda annoyed,
that my plans are screwed.
see what i meant by i don't like planning.
blahs.

nothing beats your company.

2006-02-09T02:17:00.000+08:00

my mind is a blank as i thought of things to blog,
it's been a long time since i last did this. lol.
i supposed i could update you guys on my life?

hmm, i'm currently doing my attachment,
which will be ending in five months' time.
obviously i can't wait for that to happen,
afterall, that's when i can finally go for what i want.
-beams. (:

then again, everything's been fly lately;
i've met great people,
learnt life's lessons,
and basically,
part of me don't wish for it to ever end.

life has been a hell of a ride for me,
fallen into the bottomless pit,
attempting to revive myself;
at the same time learn from my mistakes.
then again,
everybody else is leading a life somewhat like this.
i have no qualms of whatever that had happened,
'cos everything happened for a reason,
i'm just happy to be where i am now. (:

been down with fever and cold the past few days,
think the weather might be affecting the immunity system;
so everyone else out there,
do take care alrights.
till next time. (:

the things we take for granted, we can sometimes lose.

2005-12-02T05:04:00.000+08:00

Evasion Leading to Loneliness; Everything i Need.

you wouldn't understand how i feel,
when i saw you holding her.
wouldn't know what it's like,
to see you both hand in hand.
it was an awkward situation,
i was feeling out of place,
struggling so hard within me.

you wouldn't even look my way,
wouldn't even say a word;
it seems like i was invisible,
like i never even existed.
you couldn't care less even if i spoke,
or the fact that i was hurting deep inside.

call me a fool,
call me dumb,
call me stupid;
anything you please.
you wouldn't even know,
wouldn't even feel,
couldn't even see,
the things that i did.

your world revolves around her,
i'm happy to see you in bliss;
yet a part of me feels so out of place,
like i was trying so damn hard to fit in.
the songs i sang tonight with angst,
the way i steal glances at you;
like a thief.
the time you held her hands and leave,
do you know what i was feeling deep within?

you wouldn't even reply me,
wouldn't even pick up my calls.
i couldn't make it down to see you,
couldn't even express that i miss you.
do you sometimes think of me?
think of what it was like when we made believe,
think of the memories we used to share;
would you even reminisce?

do you know what it feels like to be me?
to not know what happened between you and me?
to accept that a barrier was suddenly formed,
and that we're no longer friends,
not anymore.

do you understand my dilemma?
should i wave and say hi,
or even goodbye?

so pent up my emotions within,
silently i'm just receiving everything.
each time i seek for the truth,
i'm blinded.
i wish you would just clarify with me.
i miss you.
i'm just a fool,
but i do;
i miss you.

2005-11-30T03:27:00.000+08:00

trampled upon,
ripped apart;
that's what my heart feels,
with all the words you have spoken.
tears found their way to my eyes,
as droplets rolls down my cheeks.
i don't even wish to carry on saying these.

is there nothing left for me to smile about,
am i the only one feeling this?
the bond we shared,
where did it go?
was it like you said,
everything was but a memory in time?

i'm shattered with every word you said,
every hint you made,
every silence felt.
did we not try hard enough?
was it like you said,
it's all a facade?

i don't know what to say,
where to go now.
i do think about you,
i do treasure you.
where did we go?
did it got lost in time?
no.
everything we had,
we held close to the heart;
every moment we shared,
was a moment to last.
nothing is really gone,
it's us who keep wanting more.

i wanna be with you,
i wanna share my thoughts and dreams like i used to.
but everything seems so far away now,
is there just no way we could bring us back?

i know you're feeling it too,
those emotions that wanna make you cry.
i wanna be the one to dry your tears,
the one to make you smile again.
but things seems so complicated now,
it's like we'll never ever be able to meet up now;
it's like things will never be the same,
i'm so full of angst.

do you know how much i do really miss you?!

p.s: you're da special one; always have been, always will be.

2005-10-09T04:24:00.000+08:00

appearances are deceiving,
my smiles are the antidote to my wounds.
once you were my remedy,
the one who lifted me high above.
now i'm bandished by you,
i've fallen down into the bottomless pit.
my world crumbles,
as you grew further away from reach.
and the jingles of the bell,
aggravates me as thoughts of you began forming.
it's mind-boggling how one can deceive,
as though everything was just a make-believe.
but i can't live with that,
i won't take that lying.
you and i were a part of history,
and we could had been more than just that.
maybe somehow i don't even know what i'm saying,
cos the words don't seems to come out right,
and i just seem to be babbling.
babbling non-stop.
my mind is in a whirlpool,
and all my thoughts are only of you;
of the times we spent,
of the smiles and laughter we once shared.
i wish to ask 'how have you been?'
'is everything going fine?
and are you happy?'
but i don't seem to be able to muster up enough courage;
perhaps i'm afraid i would end up in pain,
like it has happened once too many times before.
somehow i just can't get you outta my head,
everything, everywhere,
there seems to be traces of you lingering at every corner.
this shit is so bad,
i can't even think straight,
i feel so empty,
i feel so lost.
what have you taken away from me?
it's not my youth,
it's not my time,
you've taken with you a part of me,
that can never ever be found.

p.s: i miss u loads, and still i feel for you.

oh well,
guess i'm yet again the fool.

2005-08-09T03:09:00.000+08:00

worn out, i'm totally worn out.
i'm draggin my feet to my everyday.
i'm tired of fitting into roles that i don't wanna play.
i'm shagged, i'm weary;
and everything else has lost its significance.
leave me out of those sticky webs,
i don't wanna be entangled into all these kinda craps.
leave me alone to do what i wanna,
i'm tired of even having to give an explanation.
what's the reason for my existence?
i don't know anymore;
i'm so tired of going on with all these daily chores.
i hate all those misunderstandings people have of me,
i don't wish to delude myself into believing that i don't bother.
cos it does gets to me;
all those comments that are arrowed at me.
i'm lethargic,
i don't know where i am heading anymore.
this feeling deep within sucks.
everything comes crashing down once again,
where's my euphoria?
where's my utopia?
gone,
like the glimpse of the shooting star.
and all i am are the dust particles left behind.

2005-03-26T01:10:00.000+08:00

i'm down and out,
i'm tired of all these doubts.
darkness encumbers me,
loneliness welcomes me.
my left and right are just spaces of emptiness,
my heart and soul feels the sorrowness.
i'm sick of the hunger of crawing hands,
can't stand the fact of the human greed.
let me burn and move along,
let me understand this world;
the world that i don't belong.
the need for company,
the want for family.
i close my eyes and still i see,
the empathy that i don't need;
the sympathy you're trying to give.
move, just move away from me,
i don't give no shit about what you did.
leave, just leave me be,
i'm sick of you acting like i owe you this.